life is what you make it
There have been quite a few motivational quotes flying around lately since the sad passing of Steve Jobs, Apple CEO. I must admit, I myself got slightly teary eyed while watching the speech he gave at Stanford University in 2005.
For someone who had just quit her job to pursue something that may never ever eventuate, the speech is highly motivating. It has been more than 3 months since I became unemployed. Each time I think about my bank account, my heart skips a beat – in the most dreadful way. Although I try to push myself to the limits with my financial situation (esp when I try to put into application what I have learnt from Rich Dad, Poor Dad), I am thankful that my ‘poor dad’ side encouraged me to save up as much as I could while I was working. I would not be able to do this now if I hadn’t. Of course, I would be much more comfortable now if I had not blown $10k on my recent Europe trip. But what is done is done. I am thankful for the experiences and it is one that I will never forget for the rest of my life. How can one put a price on that? right….?
Everyone has a choice that they can make. The reaction I have received so far has been interesting. Some give me a shocked “you quit your job to do this??”, some give me the “wow, i wish I could do that”. But majority has been more along the lines of “congratulations! I’m so proud of you”. These are mostly from people who have their own business and have made the same choice I did years ago.
The thing is, I would never have quit my job if I hadn’t stopped loving what I did. Perhaps that’s why when I saw Steve Job’s speech at Stanford, it resonated with me so well. Everything he said, I felt it. After a while, I realized I could no longer drag myself out of bed another day to face more mental and emotional torture. Something had to be done. I refused to settle for this life. I think it was that motivation that clouded everything else (including the fact that I would be unemployed, have a mortgage to pay, and support my baby [cat, that is]). I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do but there just didn’t seem to be any other option. It felt like there was only one answer and that was to live my life as I want it, not as how it had become.
Sometimes I still doubt myself if what I am doing is the right thing. However, not once have I regretted leaving my job. I had left at a time when my career was just about to take off. Perhaps that was what scared me the most. The fact that this was a preview to what my life would become freaked me out beyond words. It was finally time to make a change.
So, despite all the mini panic attacks and the constant restrain from buying the things I want, life isn’t too bad right now. I am happy – the happiest I have been in many years. That alone makes everything worthwhile.
first dates
I hate dating but I also love it. There’s nothing worse than the dreaded realization that this most horrible/weird/arrogant guy sitting across the table from you is going to take you hostage for the next 2 hours while you try to gobble down your dinner as fast as possible without choking and get far far away from him, stopping short at changing your phone number and thanking your lucky stars you refused his offer to pick you up, lest you need to find a new place to move to.
On the other hand, it is when you meet the most perfect guy on that first date, that all the anxiety and stress of all the bad dates in the world just dissolve into that one simple sigh. And that is the experience I want to share today.
I rarely meet a guy whom I am instantly drawn to, physically and mentally. Most of the time, despite (or because of) how good looking the guy may be, the minute we start talking, the spark instantly ends up in smoke, choking me out..or perhaps it’s my subconscious telling me ‘HELL NO’.
So when I do meet that one guy who can carry a good conversation, I just melt. I love the first exchange of words where we’re both trying to figure each other out. To me, the best conversations are those that revolve over nothing at all. Just witty banter over anything and everything. Nothing beats saying goodbye at the end of the night, and having no idea what he does for a living or what car he drives or how well off he is.
Of course, it’s not a good date unless you know he’s equally as into you. So it’s a definite good sign if there are plenty of much hotter, younger chicks around the both of you but yet, the minute you both lay eyes on each other, nothing else seems to matter.
So the courting begins. He leans in, so you tilt your head up to try and hear what he’s trying to say, then you get a whiff of his aftershave
…….
you melt and die a little with happiness.
The night wears on and finally, the moment comes when you both lean in and that very first kiss makes just about every shitty pathetic lame guy you’ve ever dated in the past absolutely worth it to get to this stage. And yet, it gets better. From that first kiss, comes the first holding hands. Call me old fashioned, but I love the first holding hands, sometimes more than the first kisses. I just love the way his hand wraps around mine, so masculine, so protective.
The first date is always such a wonderful experience. The fact that it’s untainted, so innocent and still so pure makes the possibilities endless. Sometimes, I’m more delirious with the idea of what may be than the actual reality of it all.
There really is nothing like meeting a guy for the first time when everything just fits into place. And finally, when you kiss goodnight, the best parting gift is the lingering realization of when it occurred to the both of you that this could be the start of something very special.
friendship
Friendship means alot to me. I am a fiercely loyal person and I expect the same from my friends. Once trust is broken, it can never be fixed. There has been only one person in my life whom I have forgiven and that took about 5 years before we started talking again.
I have had my fair share of dramas with people in the past. I have always said that people in general just drive me up the wall. That really is the reason why sometimes I wish I had a self contained cottage somewhere, away from everyone, so that I can have all the peace and quiet in the world.
In the last 8 months, I have battled with unexpected turns of events in my life. I struggle to comprehend actions and decisions made that was made selfishly and perhaps in haste. Worse still, at times, I wonder if I was at fault.
I have had to deal with alot of pain and hurt during this time. I think the one thing that upsets me the most was how easy all this could have been avoided by good ol fashioned honesty and openness from the very start. I have no regrets of how I have handled matters but am sorrowful that I have lost some friends along the way. Or, perhaps, since I am in this predicament because of them to begin with, it may be a blessing that they are no longer in my life.
Friends are the family that we choose, especially when you’re living alone in a foreign country. Out of my more than 250 friends on fb, I count less than 10 to be my closest friends. Out of that 10, I can count about 3 whom I know I can ultimately count on.
The worst thing about all this is that it made me doubt myself and the values I have in a friendship. Am I as bad as they are? I hope not.
For me, once a trust is broken, I tend to cut that person out of my life once and for all. Perhaps it makes it easier to bear the pain, or the knowledge of knowing that the friendship is over anyway so what’s the point of pretending. Regardless, once it’s been done, rarely does the friendship ever get mended.
Friends come and go after all. You’re born alone, you die alone. Friends are supposed to enrich your life along the way, not rob you of trust and love. I have moved on now from all the drama that has happened. I have done what is necessary. Life is complicated enough without having to second guess the people you choose to call family.
learning from the past
Sometimes, when I’m really really really bored, I like to see what people in my past life has been up to. To clarify, I categorize the different stages of my Australian life according to before and after I moved to this city. My past life consists of 6-7 years living in a different state where I first fell in love.
Towards the end of that time, I was in a miserable relationship, suffering from depression and emotionally abused by a man who had stopped loving me two years before that. It took me a very long time to see past denial and pull myself back up. During that time, my friends from University had left and my new found friends were mostly the ex’s friends. As with most break ups, I lost custody of all of them. To be honest, I just couldn’t bear to have anything left to do with the relationship, so I cut off all ties.
It’s interesting sometimes to see what everyone is up to these days. Yes, I admit, online stalking is creepy. In my defense, when everything is out there in the open, it’s really not stalking – more, information research. I see that some of them are married now, one with a kid.
But the thing that always astounds me is, what on earth did I ever see in my ex. I know that when I was with him, it was never really about how good looking he was – his personality and ambition was what always attracted me to him. But now that I see pictures of him, I am amazed I managed to see past his physical appearance. It really does prove that women work differently from men. Physical attraction does play a role of course, but in the end, it is who the person is that attracts women to men.
I look back now to men I have dated after him and I am so glad my taste has improved significantly. Despite all the heartache and pain I have had to endure following each break up, at least I can say I have learnt from each one and not repeat the same mistake twice (well not literally the same mistake anyway!). And most of all, I can say I have come a loooong way from when I was with the asshole.
happy birthday, lifeminiseries!
It has been 2 years since I created this blog. I started it as a way of getting over an ex. We got back together halfway through only to break up again. All in the span of two years. Moral of the story is – if it was smashed to bits the first time round, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be able to glue it all back together again, no matter how hard you try.
My blog has kept me entertained, amused, out of trouble and distracted many times in the last two years. I have poured my thoughts, my anguish and my heartache into nonsensical, mundane and out of the blue topics. At times when I felt like screaming and throwing objects that would make a highly impressive sound upon hitting the ground, I managed to divert my thoughts to my blog instead. It has been my saving grace in many moments.
I have always said that I love to write. It calms me and it also prevents my premature onset of dementia from setting in (as I like to believe). My thoughts and imagination are forever running wild anyway so to be able to have an outlet for that is much relief. Although I get writers’ block once in a while, my colorful friends and basically where I live tend to make it a swift recovery.
I don’t expect many people to read my blog – perhaps the unknown and naivety (and possibly ignorance) of it all is the reason why I reveal more than I should at certain times. I, a self confessed online stalker, should know better than that. In my defense, I think my blog is relatively private compared to most. I definitely wouldn’t want people to start recognizing me, that’s for sure.
I hope that I’ll be continuing this blog for many years to come. Hopefully, when I look back in 5 years time, I will be able to go “man..I sure had alot of time in my hands when I was younger”..
Happy Birthday, lifeminiseries!
fat excuses I never understood
Ever since I turned 25, due to a slower metabolism rate and bigger portion sizes, my weight has been yo-yo-ing between 5kgs give or take (not taking into account my braces days). I was no longer in the blissful age when I could eat as much as I wanted, zilch exercise and still look the same. These days, a muffin top developed within a week is enough for me to realize it’s time to cut down on carbs and maybe get back on the treadmill.
There’s pros and cons to how I put on weight. My body tends to deposit fat around my face and tummy first and foremost. Then it spreads out to the more desirable areas. One on hand, they say you should always use your waistline as an indication of weight gain – something along the lines of heart disease, yadda yadda is associated to how much extra padding you put there. On the other hand, if I just stick it out abit longer, I will finally have boobs and ass that won’t make me look like a 12 year old on a training bra. It’s a catch 22.
Anyhow, I’m usually honest with myself. I know when I’m fit and I know when I’ve been a huge slob from too many couch potato days. I readily admit it to anyone who’d listen to me. If you’re gaining weight, you’re gaining weight. Seriously, what is the big deal? If it bothers you so much, then get outta your fat ass and start eating better and working out. That’s how I see it anyway.
Most of you are probably wondering now, “what fat excuses are you talking bout? Get to the point already!”. Unless you’re my sister who probably won’t care…mainly because she probably doesn’t read my blog..or remembers I even have one.
Ok, I digress. So a year ago, I started subscribing to one of those deliciously trashy magazines. It just comforts me when I read about the latest exploits of the rich and famous. It certainly puts my troubles into perspective.
One of the issues that are constantly featured on the front page is obesity and weight loss (ok, depending on how you see it, two issues then). But the most extraordinary thing in common with all these stars is the exact same excuse they always give for each time they boing from one end of the fat spectrum to the skinny end.
When they’re fat: “This is how God created my body. I embrace it and I’m proud of it. I never diet or starve myself.”
When they lose the weight: “I am finally fit and healthy. I am eating what is right for my body and I’m loving it.”
BUT when they put it back on: “Dieting was hell – I will never diet again. This is how God created me and I’m proud of it.”
Then it just goes back and forth, back and forth. Seriously…c’mon..!
Don’t they know there are people who can remember what they said the last time when they were fat/skinny? I am waiting for the day when someone would just come right out and say “yea, I was a fat slob then coz I was too lazy to exercise and I was depressed so I ate my way through the emotional gut wrenching time to make myself feel better about how fat I’ve become. Plus, there were all these people just feeding me all the time and in the end, I just couldn’t stop myself from gorging on all the food 24/7.”
Ok, biggest loser contestants don’t count. Neither do those that work for weight loss companies.
People go through periods of ups and downs. I go through it myself. There are times when I’m working out non stop and there are others when all I want to do is just laze around and not do anything. But at least I do it openly and not in full blown denial.
ah well….another day, another topic of randomness.
back to work….zzzzzzzzzzzzz
haircut
I finally got a haircut the other day. It had been about 1-2 years since I last had a haircut. My hair was reaching my lower back and I swear, at times, I felt like it was trying to strangle me in my sleep at night. It was time to chop the whole thing off. It also didn’t help that it took ages each morning just blow drying the darn thing.
I love having a good haircut. Not so much the experience, but the feeling after, when everything’s gone. It almost has a naughty cheeky nakedness to it. In addition to my crazy Asian mentality of saving money, I think this is also another reason why I like to limit my haircuts to once or twice a year.
I’ve been going to the same hairdresser since I moved here 5 years ago. I think she must think I’m insane. A few years ago, I wanted a dramatic change. I told her I wanted it really short and I wanted it curled.
She cut it to about my shoulder which I promptly told her she needed to go higher. So I ended up with hair just below the ears and crazy big waves. My friends were definitely not impressed. I didn’t think it was that bad but I do see their point now when I look back at pictures.
The last time I went in, I told her I decided to try out bangs. So she cut abit but it just didn’t look thick enough (not her fault – I have quite fine hair). I wanted thick bangs so she had to go higher up the head. Of course, in the end, she had to stop me and made a very good point that if I went any higher, I’m gonna look like I’ve got a comb over. All the same, at least this style was very popular among my gay friends. Straight friends, not so much. So when I was finally deciding whether to keep it or not, I had to follow what my straight friends were saying. As one kindly pointed out, “are you trying to attract gay men or straight men”. Can’t argue with that logic.
Most of the time, when I get a haircut, I would just walk in and get a dry cut (no wash or blow dry) as it saves abit of money and time. Also I figured, what’s the difference since it’s usually just a simple cut anyway.
When I went in the other day, I had my hair tied up in a bun and I really couldn’t be bothered to wash it that morning so I decided to just go with the whole package. That was when I realized, I had forgotten the head massage service that hairdressers give. Granted, my hairdresser sucked at giving the head massage. It felt rather meh, really. But it did bring back memories of when I got my haircut done back home. ahhh…bliss…
So I’m thinking, in the future, I should cut down my haircuts to just once a year and go all out instead so I’ll get the head massage….maybe I should try out a new hairdresser too – one who gives amazing head massages…
i’m free!!!
Ok, technically, not yet, but I will be soon!
I have finally taken the plunge and decided that it’s time for me to move on from my current job. I’ve been working here for almost 5 years (a record for many people) and I believe it’s time to move on. It’s never a good sign when I hear the RIP jingle in my head each time I’m on my way to work.
I was going to wait til the end of the year to do this but after yet another drama from my boss, I have had enough and this seems to be the most logical decision to make. He has aged me considerably in the last 3 years. I have stressed, fallen sick, and basically been walking on egg shells around him for way too long. The worst thing is, I never know when he will explode and why. It is like living with a live volcano. Maybe I should have quit my job after that first year of working with him when it became near impossible towards the end. But like all men, he promised to change and have better control over his temper. However, at the end of the day, I’m more important than any man (especially one whom I have no respect for). So today, I choose myself over my career because of this one man.
Alright that was a tad bit dramatic. He is a major reason, but not the only reason. I am also tired of travelling for work. It gets tiring, boring and most of all, it’s the loneliest job. Most days, after a whole day of meetings, the last thing you want is to meet more clients for dinner to talk business or you’re too tired to go out so you order room service. In the end, you are stuck watching a show on tv that has been dubbed in a foreign language while eating your crappy food from the hotel.
And, last but not least, I just feel too burnt out to continue this work anymore.
So what will my first official week of unemployment entail? Sleeping in and staying in my pjs. I really can’t wait. I am in fact, deliriously happy at the very thought of not having to come to work anymore. I guess it is a shame that I had just begun to get to know the girls at work a bit better but maybe it is for the best. I’m sure we can still catch up with each other outside of work.
I do want to take this time to focus on my products too. Variations will need to be made and research to be done. Lots of research. I will keep you all posted.
So here’s to a new chapter of my life. I believe that we create our own destiny in life and I look forward to seeing how mine turns out.
ps. good news for all is that this may mean more posts from me in the future! 
meh
The older I get, the more trivial some problems seem to be. Most of the time, the minute I am able to focus on the bigger picture of a particular situation, I find I have no reason to feel negative at all. In other words, I have actually managed to conjure up the emotion of ‘meh’ when most needed. Needless to say, I am quite proud of myself during these very rare moments.
The highly elusive ‘meh’ emotion exists in an extremely dormant state. It takes years and years of practice and sometimes, when other emotions come to play, it seems to disappear into a parallel dimension. So far 2011 has looked promising as I have managed to experience the ‘meh’ emotion more than once.
Specifically, most of the dramas I have experienced in the last 12 months have been man made. There have been times when it was self inflicted (my crazy mind raging a war of its own). But, majority of the time, dramas are created by people around me. Personally, I prefer to discuss issues right away if there are any. Better to talk about it than leaving it to brew and explode (something I learnt in the last few years). Understandably, not everyone is like that. So when something happens, more often than not, I am left trying to figure out why a particular person is sulking at me big time.
Life is so precious and short as it is. Surely it cannot be good for your soul to stay so negative all the time. Sometimes, it is not about winning or about proving yourself right. It is about letting go and realizing that, for whatever reason it may be, things just happened the way it did. Regrets are futile while acceptance will set you free (however corny that may sound). It sounds easier than done. I, more than anyone else should know that. I spent most of last year learning this.
Maybe that’s why some people find meditation to be so helpful. After all, it teaches you to tap into your ‘meh’ emotion.
I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason. There are signs all around us when something is meant to be. Everything falls into place and you just know - whether it’s a new job, project, people, environment. you just know. And that, is the most satisfying feeling in the world.
In the meantime, seriously, people need to learn to chill and let the ‘meh’ set in. I guess I don’t have any specific point to this post. Maybe my ‘meh’ emotion is acting up a bit more than I realize..either that or I’m just way drowsy from the big lunch I just had….
Happy New Year, everyone!
think happy, be positive
I’ve been going through a roller coaster of ups and downs in the last few months. Some days have been easy, chilled and relaxed, while others abit more complicated, like sitting through fingernails running down a blackboard while choking back your own vomit.
I was watching a show the other night and a couple was getting married and it was such a beautiful ceremony that I started crying my eyes out, minus all the howling. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Hm.
In an attempt to combat all these crazy mood swings, I’ve taken up running again. This is one thing I’ve always wanted to do but struggle to keep up with especially since I quit my gym. The only place I can run now is outdoors. I hate running outdoors. My ears ache, my head aches, the uneven ground, having to watch traffic, and I know it’s silly but I feel kinda self conscious running in public.
So, I am getting myself a treadmill. Yes, I may have space problems judging by all the boxes already piling up everywhere in my living room plus the fact that I have friends crashing at my place all the time, but I am determined to get this done. This was my New Year’s resolution for 2010 and I have done nothing to achieve it, minus the running round the block once in a blue moon.
As someone who truly believes in signs, as I was talking about hiring a treadmill, someone actually told me she was trying to sell hers. So I am buying hers for a fraction of the price I would have paid on the rental and she’s even delivering it to my house!
My goal remains the same, running at the same speed for 45 mins non stop. In a way, break ups are a great way to vent out and push yourself further than you actually think you can. Each step I take makes me feel like I have accomplished something more for myself that he didn’t manage to rip out of me.
I wonder if I should even sign up for a marathon just to give me that extra motivation and make sure that treadmill doesn’t turn into a clothes hanger. yea…maybe I’ll think bout it….
So here’s to a ‘brand new’ resolution of getting myself fit and trim for 2011!
What are your resolutions??